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Monthly Archives: July 2009

Since SUNDAY….nothing…no text… oh my word. I feel so aggrivated… i sent him a flag for his bday and told him happy bday and that i missed him…and for what? to look like an idiot??

I know it sounds dumb..but anytime i’ve ever been confused i always pray that God sends me a sign and usually he does…but nothing this time… i think this is it.

I just want to know why…ya know? like i’m not hurt..i just want to know the reasoning..then after that it’s cool… i don’t even want to make excuses as to why he’s not talking to me…i’m just confused… i’m not about to grovel for his attention..and i’m aware i’m being stubborn… i guess tomorrow i will ask him what’s up…like why he’s not talking to me….

I have to keep telling myself… “i have feelings but not any that he can hurt” I don’t want to admit i’m sad…because i genuinely liked talking to him..but REALLY?? not saying anything is just immature…I can handle whatever he has to say…

but now i’m also afraid i won’t be getting a response back…which will just piss me off….if I don’t…then its a definite adios… should I facebook him???

FUUCCCCCKKKK…

Stupid boy shit.

I really really can’t believe how stupid I sound in my last few posts…UGH! Ha ha how quickly things change…but I really am over him right now…maybe i’ll turn to mush later..but all i see right now…is insincerity… it really bites…i’m pretty sure i’m just bitter he hasn’t texted me since he’s been back since sunday…REALLY? that’s what I deserve?? Don’t you think he owes me a “hey i’m back” or “hey, i hate you” or “hey, i’m done”…. I don’t think he realizes that it’s very easy for me to let go..once you’ve decided you want nothing to do w/me. Like, it really does not bug me.  I can drop people like no other…. i just need to know its ok…ha ha its weird. I’m just frustrated that I haven’t recieved anything…but don’t worry, i’ll get back at him…just wait…if and when he texts me…he’s not going to be very happy…thus begins my happily pushing you away phase…sure he’s cute…but luckily i know more about him than he does me… he knows nothing about me..which is perfect. I’m just waiting… but i’m continuing on with my life…it doesn’t make a difference.. i’m just annoyed with the lack of respect..that’s all…not the unrequited love feelings or whatever…ha ha i’m bitter, but not in the way you think. I’m just needing to vent…it feels better…that I get it all out.

I’m not done, I’ll be back 🙂

-ME

I miss you. I feel bad for what happened and I know you probably let it roll off your shoulders, but I shouldn’t have behaved that way. I feel like I’ve messed things up, made things awkward. I hope I haven’t. When you text me, I was worrying the whole day…I mean you didn’t say good-bye, so i only figured you were annoyed/angry/over it…whatever.. I mean I really felt bad… I’m sorry.

I also feel like i’ve been thinking about things too much…like from a guys p.o.v. you’re probably thinking that it was fun, until it got complicated. I agree. I let people put things in my head and it gets to me..and that’s why I didn’t want people to know.

plain and simple.. i like talking to you, in fact you’re probably the only person I like talking to. I look forward to your texts in the AM and at the end of the day… I know it sounds stupid, and I’m not this type of chick…but i’m willing to be vulnerable, just to say it. I know that you probably feel the same way, but not in the way that I do. I wasn’t going to say any of this…at the risk of making things awkward, but I wanted to let you know, but don’t think that you have to change or whatever or that things should change..because they shouldn’t.

These are just words.

Jey,

I do this anonymously in the hopes that no one really reads this and that I have no friends on here.

I think I am in love… this is my opprotunity to be completely vulnerable..albeit, to myself…but that’s how I want it.

how do I know that this is love? I mean, I miss him.

I know I’m not enough for him, because I’m not the skinny girl…yeah, i’m fat. ha ha not funny tho, i’m working on that.. I want to be in shape for when he comes home, I want to be with him period.

ugh, it is so confusing..this weird relationship of ours.

I don’t know his feelings, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t love me…but should I even be wasting my time on someone who could care less about me?? He doesn’t love me, that is the greatest pain of all…to love in vain.

I wish he knew. I wish I could tell him. Loving him is not worth losing him as a friend.

I’ve never been in love…. I don’t even KNOW if this is love…how do people know these things???

I dunno what to do…

I love you SJS…and that feels right to say.

I LOVE YOU SJS…and w/o sounding like a creeper… i love you wholeheartedly and without judgement..i accept you..with all your faults and flaws..i love it.

ha ha ok…i think that’s enough of the vulnerable time…

-ME

I’ve  decided to copy some poems I wrote back when I was in HS…it was a crazy time in my life.

Love
Do you know me?
My name is Love.
It’s the feeling you want.
It’s your mom’s hugs.
Your gram’s kisses.
Your brothers shoves!

…You’re growing

Now you don’t want shoves, hugs or kisses.

You want him.
You want to have him hold you:
when you sleep,
when you cry,
whenever.

My name is Love.
you want me but, I choose carefully.

-RAL

How Do You Know?

How do you know if he’s the one?

When he touches your hand, it feels like it’s supposed to be there.

Like you can have on a horrible outfit and you still look gorgeous.

When you sing in the shower and he realizes;

he’s going to hear that the rest of his life and cant wait for future concerts.

You know, when you know.

-RAL

My Dad Made A Mistake

My dad made a mistake.

He ruined my life

and it hasn’t processed

that I can’t be the me

I should’ve been

I wipe more tears away

than smiles.

I realized life is tough

and so am I.

All my “dads” wrecked me.

I wonder if there’s any more

bastards left.

Where have they gone?

Did they decide to give me a break?

or give me a chance to break?

My dad made a mistake.

He allowed me to be hurt, by not being there.

Torn now.

I’m confused.

My dad made a mistake.

He missed out.

My dad made a mistake.

He let others ruin my life,

when I didn’t even have a chance.

My dad made a mistake…

ME.

-RAL